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Further Leaks from God
|by Gaurang Bhatt, MD|
http://www.boloji.com/articlephotos/Further Leaks from God.jpgThose of you who read my last week'sRandom Thoughts column must by now be aware, that I had a few words with God. Apparently, he found out my source and now the angel Gabriel is under indictment, as he had committed the same offense a few centuries ago by pretending to leak God's words and was forgiven once. This time God intends to throw the book at him.
My phone rang so loud in the middle of last night amidst the thunder and lightning, that for a moment I thought that God had begun his campaign of shock and awe. I picked up the phone and said "Hello, who are you?". The voice on the other side said, "I am, that I am". I waited silently. The voice said, "You think you are smart because you got one of my staff to leak secret tapes of the past. Any damn fool can access the past. I am omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent. To prove that to you, I will let you hear a future speech about the mid-term campaign. Listen carefully and take note."
You readers may think I imagined all this or am hallucinating, but below is what I heard.
"My fellow Americans, as you know we have three high ideals. First, we want to democratize the use of torture. As you all know we honed our fine talents of torture with the native Americans and African black slaves and perfected them with the Chinese and Japanese on our soil, but this virtue should not be restricted only to our land.
This is why we took it to the Philippines, Southeast Asia, Central and South America. We even sent our disciple, Israel to practice it in the Holy Land. We wanted to carry it to the Cradle of Civilization and that is why we invaded Iraq and to democratize its natural resource of oil. There was no need to take it to Communist countries like China (Mao's famines and cultural revolution) and Russia (Czarist pogroms and Stalin's massacres), because they are believers in this religion like us. The other reason for invading Iraq, Afghanistan, Lebanon and Iran in the future is that Islam is a peaceful religion and we wanted to carry a piece to these Islamic countries.
There were however some other European countries that were being hoodwinked by apostates like Germany (tortured Herreros in Africa and Jews and Gypsies in the Nazi era), Belgium (tortured in the Congo) and France ( tortured in Africa and Algeria) which had abandoned the old religion of torture. We also wanted to add to its thriving practice in Jordan, Egypt, Saudi Arabia and Cuba. This is why we used rendition of prisoners to these and other European countries to show the world our refined techniques of torture at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay. Now that we have made the world aware that there is no way but torture, it is time to bring our victims back home and leave our young soldiers at risk of life and limb, in our aim to bankrupt our nation by burgeoning deficits and enriching the wealthy by tax cuts.
Our second high ideal was to carry out regime change. We are on the verge of success. Very soon Blair of the UK and Olmert of Israel are likely to be dethroned, ushering in new regimes. Other efforts to compromise the leaders of Lebanon, Jordan, Egypt and Saudi Arabia are showing rapid progress. It is true that the leaders of Al Qaeda, Pakistan, Iran and North Korea have been strengthened, but that is unavoidable collateral damage in achieving our strategic objective.
Our third ideal of making America safer was achieved by rejecting the international court of justice, the Kyoto Treaty, the comprehensive test ban treaty and the nuclear non-proliferation treaty. We have inspired a lot of countries to hate us and acquire nuclear weapons. This has contributed greatly to making us safer. Even then we didn't want to take chances, so we wasted hundred billion dollars in an impossible missile defense, that will make the armament companies richer. We did not neglect our constituents, the oil companies and Haliburton, to whom we owe our wealth and high status. As to those foreigners and illegal aliens, my fellow Americans, you don't have to worry about them. They can't vote and if you are as dumb as I am, then you will vote a straight pre-emptive war, Republican ticket.
Finally, I want to thank the Islamo-fascists, who have made all this possible with their torture and terror. We were the ones who initially financed and trained them during the Soviet occupation of Afghanistan with the help of our friends, the Pakistanis, who still play Good Samaritan to Al Qaeda and Taliban and replenish their ranks all over the world. We love blowbacks. We supported Noriega and Saddam too, and then turned on them and put them on trial. In fact our policy is error and trial. I end with my usual prayer'God Save America."
(In the background, I could hear "Hail to the Chief")
I woke up, uncertain whether this scenario was a nightmare for God, for me, or for us both. Anyway if you hear this speech from you know who in the future, it will prove that either God was talking to me, or that my phone is being tapped by you know who.
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