Family Matters  
The Tearful Jerks 
by Soma Guru
October 23, 2005

My daughter is soon going to be three and it was like yesterday that I had broke the news in front of my family, where my mother was in tears….and believe me I (as usual) found it so silly of her to be in tears... and it so happened that when my angel came to this world, my mom was besides me through out …the moment I laid eyes on the bundle of flesh I didn’t know what had happened to me, I was in tears …hailing from a typical Indian background I was misunderstood by the rest medical staff who had by then started counseling me as to these days girls are at par with boys …no differences between blue and pink…and that I might be luckier next time. But it was only my mother who understood my hysteric mood / outburst…. …a naughty smile on her face as to she scored on me this time.

Every time she would be extra worried for us for getting home late or forgetting to call her up in case we were going out directly from school/college….then we had it ……my reaction was more of the stereotyped ones - why do you worry so much, nothing would happen; and at length she would shoot her favorite dialogue - you would understand only when you become a mother. Very true.

History has to repeat itself…or to say I am waiting for the day when I will be snubbed by my daughter…..And that I suppose, would be a proper cycle and evolution of a mother-daughter relationship. Those initial years of blind aping takes a different turn as our angel gets footage to her teens… about thirteen, dear Mom suddenly becomes the most ignorant, benighted, out-of-touch creature on the planet. The primary form of interaction for the next five years or so will be a single word, "Mooooooooooooommmmmmm!" And then, somewhere between our thirties, if one is lucky, she becomes the best friend again.

My memories are so fresh about my teen and happening years, with me being a rebel, that it spontaneously brings a smile on my face. Hats off to my darling mother….and it would be understood if I say perfect mothers are those who let their child do and let be, as they think desirable. A time when girls never dared to open their hearts in front of their mothers I would shock rest by saying I will ask mom just about anything. I remember when I was a teenager I was a rebel. We argued and we went through a lot of stress, but she and I are very much alike, I realize now. Such rifts actually started evolving a strange but a real closeness that continues to this day. To let me voice what I wanted to, made me all that I am today so different from others. I was let to go to the college of my choice and take up subjects that I wanted to (my peers kept cribbing - they were made to do those that they wouldn’t have done otherwise.)

Accepting ones daughter as an adult would be letting the daughter be her own woman, and trying not to live through the daughters is the biggest challenge, but, can be taken up in good spirits. I was taught to be my self and on lots of instances and occasions I have felt that I am so lucky. During her visits to my place after my marriage, her appreciation and praises about small little things and letting me run the family and house the way I wanted to, again gave me reasons to admire her all the more…..unlike other friends of mine who never stopped complaining as to how sometimes the interference gets a bit more like a bone in the neck. All I can proudly say that our relationship was so full and open.
I can never forget the day when I overheard her telling her friend how her daughter has grown to an independent and strong willed woman. More important she mentioned was that I had compassion and understanding for other people. I was touched and moved. So fresh and live are the memories where I would just not hear to her but the values that she had put in me (maybe) helped me to decide what was right. Now I value them and want so much to imbibe them in my child rearing process.

This is what is called getting diverted from the main topic, I was talking about my daughter and got swayed away to my mother but the truth is - the two of them are inseparable topics. It is now that I understand why my mother was so vulnerable regarding me. Being a mother is reducing oneself to the primitive animal instincts where she protects her cubs fierce fully.

It is now that I understand how valuable my bibs and finger prints were to her. The feelings and experiences are so real and touching that it hurts and it really activates those tear glands of ours. I don’t think it is insane if I crave for my baby’s sweet smell, her first shot (where the doctor didn’t know who was pricked, because I had more tears rolling down my cheeks), the pain I experienced the day she was weaned totally (a strange sad feeling overpowered me), to wait for her to come from the three hours school….. are all the lovely experiences of motherhood. The professional derailment doesn’t actually seem to bother but what takes the upper hand is to watch her grow. Nothing can describe the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike, the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. And more is to come with each passing month.

Another lovely thing that has come up like a bonus with my motherhood is that I am head over heels in love with my dear husband. One can fall for a man who is so careful to powder the baby or never hesitates to play with his child or is ready to claw you if you are a bit loud on her. I think one should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would have laughed at, some years back and would have never found such situations to be romantic (Eureka).
No relationship is quite as primal as the one between a mother and her daughter (I do realize it). It's the original relationship, and it's also a relationship that has been only sentimentalized but not honored. Being a mother is a blessed gift from Goddess and the best gift I can give my little darling is — permission to be herself. And one thing that I would like to let my mother know is that she is just “Amazing”.  

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The Week of October 23, 2005
United States-India Strategic Partnership Reviewed by Dr. Subhash Kapila
The New York Times on a Roll by Gaurang Bhatt, MD
Cikhandi Syndrome by J. Ajithkumar   
The Law: Congealed Colonialism by Arvind Narrain 
Putting Off Pregnancy by Nitin Jugran Bahuguna 
A Beautiful Brown, at What Cost? by Naunidhi Kaur  
Natural Calamities and Vastu by Niranjan Babu Bangalore and Raman Suprajarama
The Tearful Jerks by Soma Guru   
Claiming the Top Spot for Women by Sudeshna Sarkar 
The Witty Side - A weekly column by Melvin Durai