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Humor
Buy-a-Kiss Party
by
Julia Dutta
Pande Sir
walked out of the bank, rich, his trouser pocket swelling out with
concealing four bundles of notes of the Rs 100 denomination. He had
counted all the notes carefully – Twenty thousand rupees! His mouth
watered. What an evening it was going to be. Top secret on his mind but
a evening that was going to keep his lips and mouth busy. He smiled to
himself unable to hide his secret joy.
Pande Sir worked at the University. He had come to Delhi many years ago,
from his small town, with the hope of finding a job. The eldest of five
children, he had the responsibility of his aging parents, his three
unwed sisters and his young brother on himself. Luckily, times were
better then and he soon found a job at the University with the help of a
good friend. He had since then “Haan ji – d and Ho ji-d”
his way up the ladder. Seniors loved him. Pande Sir had no problems
doing his office job during hours and running small errands for the
professors in the evening. These acts were taking him places - all
places except one. Pande ji had not reached his own marriage pandal yet.
And being a good boy from a respectable family, he had not even ventured
into the oft-visited Red Quarters of the city yet. In fact up until
today, he had not even experienced the sheer joy of a woman’s lustrous
lips.
His office colleague, Mr Nair, blamed him for it –
“ Pande Sir ”, he had said, “ kuch bhi kaho, what have you got by
staying away from women your whole life? No bale bale, no chumma, de,
de chumma”.
The opportunity had come all of a sudden. The most fantastic idea ever
to hit upon. He heard of a party happening on the terrace of a
residential colony, where one could pay and get a kiss. Pande Sir jumped
at the idea. He was going to show Nair that waiting for results finally
does pay off. It was going to rain kisses this evening.
The excitement was unbearable. In fact, he was going to be there early.
In the bus he sat himself down at the “Ladies Seat” section and
daydreamed. When the Conductor came to ask him for his ticket, he
suddenly found all the women staring at him. They were laughing at the
way he had pouted his lips as if he was on the verge of receiving a
kiss! The lady next to him had in fact covered her lips with the edge of
her sari to conceal her laughter. Or a threat!
As soon as the Stop came, Pande Sir, jumped out and walked up the narrow
path to the house, on the terrace of which the party was to happen.
Winding steps lead him to the Promised Land.
“ Is this where the Kissing Party is going to happen?” he asked the lady
at the door.
“ Kissing Party? Why yes, this is the place. However, I am sure you know
it is Buy-a-Kiss. ”
“ Ah”, said Pande Sir, “ I know, I know! I am all prepared. Look!” he
said like a child displaying his toys, “ Here! Twenty thousand rupees! I
am prepared.”
“Hope you win”, the girl said sweetly. “ However, you will have to win
the Lucky Draw”.
“ Lucky Draw? What Lucky Draw are you talking about”.
“ Sweety” the lady said looking flirtatiously at Pande Sir, “ Did you
not know, there is a Lucky Draw. You have to buy a ticket for Rs 1000.
There will be a draw and five lucky winners will be announced. If you
win, ” she continued with a wink, “ you will enter the final round. The
Kiss will then be auctioned and will go off to the highest bidder! I
wish you win!”
She smiled bewitchingly, winking again. Then she did something, Pande
Sir was not quite used to. She swayed her body disturbing and came
rather close to him, so much so that he could smell the sweet smell of
wine in her breath. It sent a zing up in his head. He lost
himself for a few moments in the titillating exposure of her cleavage.
She was so close, he could feel her hand resting lightly on his behind.
Pande Sir had never been so close to a woman before. He felt dizzy and
light headed and began to wriggle and giggle uncontrollably……
Suddenly, she disengaged herself from him and turning, she left, leaving
him gasping for breath. Pande Sir ran. He ran for his life. “ By God”,
he thought, bacch gaya. She would have eaten…….”
He hailed the nearest taxi and as he was about to get in, he put his
hand into his pocket. Piping hot air began to emit from his ears.
“ Where is my money? he gasped, “ Where is the money”.
Frantically, he looked into each and every pocket. His briefcase even.
No, the money was gone! He thought of running up the stairs back to the
terrace but stopped short. The Buy-a-Kiss party was over for him! And he
had paid handsomely for it!
“ Saala Nair’’ he cursed “ I will make him pay for it. No bale
bale, No chumma de, de chumma”! Huh!
May 5, 2007
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