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Humor / Satire
Never Call Anybody Donkey!
by
Varun Dhyani
 �You
are a donkey!� or �Don�t act like donkey�-an often used phrased in India
and I believe honorable citizens of India might have heard or used it.
At the point of exasperation, these phrases used to extract your
frustration out.
I am glad I am exception to this and do not use it since long time. I
refrain to use these words on anybody. May I confess, I am afraid to use
this sentence on any living creatures including the creature under
discussion-the donkey!
If necessity is mother of all inventions than compulsions is father of
all convictions! I developed this conviction not to call anybody �Gadha!�
(Donkey) way back when I was just 10 years old. The compulsions was the
�Donkey�s day� I faced which is still fresh in my mind.
I was 10 yrs then living in Jamnagar, a small city of Gujarat, a western
province of India. My father was Professor and we lived in Professor�s
colony of Jamnagar Ayurvedic College. We had wonderful surrounding at
the colony. The colony consists of two rows of 10 houses, each measuring
roughly 700sq ft. There were twenty families residing in that colony .By
average standard on those days, a family had five children. That makes
100 children in age group of 5 to 20 yrs. with us. I had a group of 5
boys of my age and forming our �Toli� (group). Our colony had a
road, which bisected the colony into two. On outer sides of the colony
were the bushes stretching all around to about 1km.And this bushes were
our playing field where we nourished our childhood and still cherish
sweet memories.
�Donkey� rides were very common among us. It was our privilege, thanks
to the �khumbar� (donkey owner, usually called in Gujarat) who used to
let their donkeys stray in the bushes. We learned the �tricks� to get
hold of stray donkey. Our elders had, over period of time, taught us how
to get hold of Donkey, how to tie a rope around the neck or even pass it
through the nose, how to make �saddle� from broken pillows and ropes,
how to get on to donkey, how to start him up, what ways to turn the ears
of donkey to make him move other way, how to make him run fast by
putting �fabricated� wooden and rounded sticks in the �appropriate
places� etc .Riding donkey is an art. I call it art because it needed
something extra to do. I would say you need an art to ride a donkey.
Donkeys are not used to somebody riding on them, the way Horses are used
to. More-ever Donkeys do not like riders the way horses like it. Our
seniors gave us �mock� practices, before being �qualified� for
�independent� rides. It was matter of great pride and honor for us to be
qualified for donkey ride.
Donkey rides were feasible during certain periods. During afternoon
times, it is easy to catch and control them. During these times, they go
for nap or are lazily grazing. Soon after we would leave the school, we
walk down the narrow lanes, which would lead to our colony area into the
bushes. While walking down home, we would look around in bushes and open
field for stray donkey. If any of the donkeys sighted, the �programme�
for �ride� is fixed. It was well-organized event for us wherein
everybody�s scope of responsibility was fixed. One was given
responsibility to bring in ropes, other told to bring the �saddle�, etc.
After lunch, our parents used to prefer sleep. They often stopped us
from going out in afternoon and us the children would not sleep and
would like to play. Contrasting requirement would be fulfilled by the
small 700sft. House with two room and kitchen. The parents could not
sleep if we are in the house. Hence, for formality sake we were often
told not to go out of home in the afternoon. By now, our senses have
developed enough to understand the parent�s requirement v/s our needs.
We were clear about the limits to cross and where not to cross. After
all, we were not Donkeys!
Nevertheless, I was worse than they were! And I learnt it one day. One
fine afternoon, we moved out the house for Donkey rides. Today was �my
turn� which meant I would get the maximum ride. We would die for �my
turn�. We catch hold of stray donkey with all acumen and skills and
everything is set for the ride. The Donkey looked good and was very
�co-operative�. It did not give us tough time either. Two of my pals
hold the donkey from the ears and other two stood on the back, of course
at safe distance, to apply �gears� (sticks) at �right� places to get
donkey movements. I jumped and sat on the saddle over the donkey.
Suddenly smile came on my face! My face brightened as I felt like King
getting ready for a royal horse ride. I was given the instructions of
�do�s� and �don�ts. All set and finally with �first� gear �put� in, my
historical donkey ride begun. The donkey started moving slowly as
anticipated and all my four friends moved also, well aware of their
responsibilities given to them. Through the saddle, I could feel the
donkey�s bones as they moved. With the up down and sideways jerks of the
ride, I felt uncomfortable. �Everything is alright?� asked my escorts
and I would give the smile and proudly say� Yes.�
The ride started smoothly but was not supposed to be for long time. As
we moved on pedestrian roads of the bushes, my sixth sense alarmed me of
something dangerous to happen. I started feeling uncomfortable. I slowly
smell the donkey feeling the same. The up-down and sideway jerks become
in consistent. Therefore, my heart beats. The donkey started shaking a
head for a while. To cover up my fears I shouted at my escorts �Barabar
pakadna gadho! Kahi yeh pattha daga na deve� (hold him properly,
this crook may deceive!). My escorts did nod in confirmations however; I
could see them tired and their grip on the donkey getting loose. I was
the not the only one to see that. Hence, abruptly the donkey gave a
forwarded lap that left my front escorts out of control. Warning bell
has rung for me and I swung both my arms around the donkey�s neck!
By now, my
front escorts were on ground and the back escorts a little distance
away. Donkey started running and my fears match pace with him! I turned
around my neck to see my escorts merging in bush background. My grip
around the neck of donkey tightened. My instinct assured me of
everything to be safe so long as my grip around his neck is strong. By
now, Donkey had started dictating his terms. He swirl his neck in order
to get rid of my grip. However, I dint oblige him. He ran to about 100m
distance swinging back legs in air to the horizon to over-topple me.
But, again, I dint oblige. I was still there on his back wondering how
dreadful a donkey can be! My survival instincts churning out all
thoughts and even advising me to jump from the donkey�s back and leave
the angry donkey to his fancies. But the very thought of falling down on
land and breaking bones frightened me. Despite that I made two attempts
to jump .But this time donkey dint oblige me and gave a vertical jerk
just enough to make my arms grip stronger around his neck!.
Game of wits had already begun between a human and donkey. As I followed
my instincts, so did donkey! He made a sudden move, which left me
surprised. He moved away from the Pedestrian road and headed towards the
bushes. At first, I thought I overpowered him mentally and that out of
frustration he is moving into bushes, literally surrendering! But he had
his wits working well for him, which I realize when I felt the thorns of
bushes scratching my hands, legs and the back! For a second, my grips
become loose. He started giving me jerks upwards and sideways and I
could feel thorns of the bushes ripping into my skin! Yet my instinct
said �no� to idea of jumping out of running donkey�s back. I was worried
�what would happen if I fall into such thorny bushes and hurt myself all
over the body�. Spilt second decision was made and eventually, despite
all thorns brushing me, I hold my grip tight and waited for the donkey�s
resilience and mercy.
Slowly his movements and jerks become slow and started moving straight.
I gave a sigh of relief and pride ran all through out my thorny wounds.
Next thought cropped up �how to get rid from this donkey? He was slowly
moving out of the bushes and coming towards the plains. I decided to
wait and watch. I dint wanted to think �donkey way� in bushes!
But, well, it was Donkey�s day finally! As the open plain approach, I
gave a sigh of relief, as thorns did not prick me now. By the time I
could relax, I saw my dreadful donkey changing course and moving towards
our colony�s big �drain and human waste� tank and soak way pits area. I
knew that area was full of overspill human waste and drain. As
determined soldier, my donkey took speed and darted towards the Tank and
Soak way Pit�s area. In no time, we were in the human waste and drain
spill area. Donkey stopped right in the middle of all filth. And the
final battle of wits began! Now was the time to prove who real �donkey�
was!
The donkey was still and that gave me motivation to jump and get rid of
horrendous ordeal. But the site below on ground of human waste repelled
my Idea. Secondly, I was worried that, if I get down, donkey would dart
on me a give me memorable blow. I recollected how one of our elders was
given a donkey bites and the social humiliation and medical care
thereafter. The donkey did not move at all. He was either checking my
patience or probably leaving me with options to go. By now, I was
overpowered by the smell of the spill. Nevertheless, I dint loose heart.
I started stroking, jabbing and finally beating donkey at all places I
could reach, to make him move away from the spill area. However, he dint
oblige. I wanted to reach to his back where lay the key of
�accelerations�. But that would leave me with one hand to grip his neck.
Risk factor was high on donkey with loose grip. I was taken by surprise
earlier by the honorable soul so-many times by now. I gave up the idea
of reaching to his back. Time went on and perspiration soaked me in. By
now, I have lost to Donkey in wits and patience. Where on hell do anyone
loose to donkey in wits? And here I was who has surrendered his wits to
a donkey! Ultimately, I decided to acknowledge the defeat and its
consequences. I felt deeply sorry for myself.
I gradually came down from the donkeys back. The ordeal was finally
finished. I looked at the donkey when I got down. He looked calm but
looked at me like a lion leaving prey scot-free in jungle! I could see
and sense his pride and his galore. He stared at me and, as if like a
mark of victory, �roared� the donkey�s roar. I could see a large
laughter in his roar. I believed he was telling the whole world, the
nature and the God �Hey look! I have made this man �donkey� today!� It
was insulting moments for me. I thought, I had better move from this
place before the donkey finishes his victorious mood and vengeance creep
in.
Leg deeply soaked in human waste; I took long leaps until I finally came
out of the spill area. To add injury, by now, my holy escorts have
reached the scene. They looked at me the most merciful way, which, one
will not even dare even for a dying man. The next moment they broke into
laughter. As I slowly tread away from the scene with my escorts, I
turned around and looked at the donkey. He had become salient by now but
was directly staring at me. I could not bear it anymore. I turned my
face and started pacing up with my friends back home.
As I walked I thought, why this could have happened to me. And why on
earth with a creature like donkey? Donkeys are the under-privileged
creatures that are deprived of brown matter in the head. Then how, the
hell, he won the battle? Was he really a donkey or some �incarnated�
soul draped in donkey posture? Was it a black magic? I reasoned all
corners of my brain to get answer for my defeat. I could not get one
from them. But I got it from my inner soul for it said to me
�Do you think donkeys don�t have brain? Do you think you have more brain
than a donkey? �
I felt very uncomfortable but my inner self went on.
�Do you think
you go on insulting donkey by calling people by his name?�
I remember the way I used to call others very often � �you are donkey�.
Then came the final blow from my inner soul.
�Mind you �he said.� If you don�t wont be really a �donkey�, stop
calling others donkey. It will please others and the donkeys as well.
And I guarantee you, you will never have an ordeal of the kind you had
today�
Those were the prophet�s words for me. I got the bottom message. Since
then, I started respecting the donkeys. I stopped �mis-using� their
name. Moreover, if somebody �mis-used� on me, I gave them big smile! For
I knew, it is his turn now to go through the �donkey ordeal� .If one
want to understands from my experience it is good. Or else let him go
through the ordeal what I went through once. And be assured the rest of
the life he would really understand what donkey is.
August 3, 2008
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