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Humor /Satire Chapter 15 “GS, we have
forgotten to discuss a very important aspect of our poll strategy,” “Which one?” asked Garam Singh. “That of booth capturing. Don’t you think we have to plan something on that front too?” “Yes, Lalaji is absolutely right,” said Garib Das. “But how do we plan something like this?” asked Garam Singh. “I know a professional booth capture. He has a Doctorate in booth capturing from Jesus Christ Peace University, Texas,” Dude said. “Acha. Is he an Indian?” asked Fakir Chand. “Yes, of course. His name is Professor Bheegi Billi. He is a bit expensive but we can employ him in key constituencies like Garam Singh’s and Lala’s.” “Waah kya idea hai!!” said Lala. “Now we come to another very crucial aspect: violence,” Garam Singh said. “Violence?” asked Moong Dal. “I don’t understand.” “See, for booth capturing we are getting Bheeeji Billi, but for inciting violence during rallies, browbeating voters and fighting pitched battles with the opposition goondas we need a trained, dedicated and committed team of thugs,” explained Garam Singh. “But can’t Bheegi Billi manage both the aspects?” asked Lala. “No, these two jobs need different kinds of talent,” replied Garam Singh. “I know the ideal thug,” Garib Das said. “In my locality there is a fellow called Yakub Bhai Chakuwala. He and his gang of hoodlums have been jailed for raping a school teacher. If convicted Chakuwala will be inside for a minimum of seven years. Is we can get him released he will be indebted to us for life.” “But is he talented?” asked Lala. “Talented? He is a real genius. He has already committed nineteen murders and seven rapes. In every riot he increases his tally. Even the police is scared of him. The new DSP of the area is a real gutsy fellow. He himself arrested Chaku. Otherwise no one would have dared to touch him.” “What is this DSP’s name?” asked Garam Singh. “Vijay Kumar.” “Vijay Kumar! Then our job is done,” exclaimed Dude. “How? Do you know him?” asked Garam Singh. “No, I don’t know him. But he has been a great fan of Makhmal for the last ten years, Every time Makhmal does a show this guy is in charge of her security. I’ll ask Makhmal to speak to him. I think the job will be done.” “If Makhmal agrees there is one more bird we can kill with the same stone,” Fakir Chand said. “There is a goonda called Pyaare Dulaare who runs a daru ka adda close to my house. This joint is also a den for hoarding and distribution of brown sugar. Last week there was a raid. Pyaare escaped but some of his associates were caught. DSP Vijay Kumar conducted the raid. Pyaare has gone underground - he is in fact hiding in my house. Vijay has threatened to close down his den and is in hot pursuit of Pyaare. If we can get Vijay off Pyaare’s back then we’ll have another goonda at our beck and call,” Fakir Chand said looking hopefully at Dude. “Hmm. Getting Vijay to agree to excuse both Chaku and Pyaare will be difficult. But I think if Makhmal uses her charms she can manage. But these two will have to mend their ways,” Dude said. “But what can they do? They cannot become doctors or engineers. Nor can they join the Civil Services,” Garib Das said. “We’ll make them members of our party and give them important portfolios. Chaku can be in charge of Law and order, both within and outside the party, while Pyaare Dulaare can take over as the minister of Educational Reforms,” said Lala. “Yes, that is a good idea. Dude, you go ahead and talk to Makhmal,” Garam Singh said. “And now we come to another very critical and controversial issue. Allotments of tickets.” “Yes, this is a very sensitive issue and can create a lot of controversy and heart-burning if not handled properly,” Garam Singh said. “This has to be done in a very democratic manner,” suggested Lala. “Yes,” agreed Garam Singh. “We’ll form a two member committee consisting of Lala and myself and we’ll decide whom to allot the tickets. Is it okay?” “Yes,” Dude nodded. “But will Lalaji and GS ji know all the candidates?” asked Moong Dal. “No, but we can, in this forum itself, formulate broad guidelines for the selection of candidates. And we promise that we’ll stick to these guidelines,” Garam Singh said. “Guidelines? Such as - ?” asked Fakir Chand. “For instance, we should encourage people with a criminal record,” Garam Singh suggested. “But why?” asked Moong Dal. “The common man fears and respects only such people. We are taking Chakuwala and Dulaare also for this very same reason.” “This apart, we would be doing a kind of social service by encouraging them to join the mainstream of politics,” Lala said. “Social service? I don’t understand Garib Das said. “Once these people join the political mainstream they will be too busy indulging in high levels of corruption and will not be able to indulge in run-of-the-mill crimes like rapes, murders, looting etc. As a result the common man will be immensely benefited,” explained Lala. “The second guideline is that we should also encourage our own relatives,” suggested Garam Singh. “But then people will accuse us of nepotism,” Dude said. “So what? Nepotism is a good quality. And in India we have always encouraged and cherished nepotism. Right from the time of the Kurukshetra war to the present day we have ardently pursued the art and practiced the science of bhai-bhatijawad. So, friends, believe me, nepotism is good for the political health of our nation,” Garam Singh said. “Yes, GS is right,” Lala nodded. And on this note of mutual agreement the meeting came to an end. Page 1 |
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| 19 | 20 June 10, 2007 |
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