Memoirs      
1970s America – An Indian student’s journey
by Dr. Anil K. Rajvanshi

Chapter 7

Marriage

There have been quite a number of happy incidents in my life for which I have no explanation, but have always considered them as gifts of God and so have felt blessed. Meeting my future wife in UF was one of them.

I first saw Nandini sometime in fall of 1975 in front of McCarty Hall which houses the Agriculture Science departments. I saw her from quite a distance and she being very tall, fair and with black hair I thought she was from South America. After that I did not see her for almost 10-15 days. Then one day I went to the Reitz student union cafeteria to eat and she was sitting alone and eating on one of the tables.

I asked her permission to join her and found out that she was an Indian and a Maharashtrian and her name was Nandini Nimbkar. She had come to do her graduate work in the department of Agronomy. She was quite reserved so I did most of the talking. After that meeting we would occasionally meet in the cafeteria and became friends.

I found out later on that Nandini came from a very distinguished Maharashtrian family. From her mother’s side she was the great granddaughter of Maharshi Karve (the first Bharat Ratna of India) and a granddaughter of Shrimati Iravati Karve (a very well-known anthropologist). From her father’s side her grandfather Shri Vishnu Nimbkar was a well-known industrialist of Mumbai and her grandmother was an American (Elizabeth Lundy who changed her name to Kamala Nimbkar after her marriage to Vishnu Nimbkar) and also a daughter of revolution. She was a direct descendent of Robert Morris the Secretary of Treasury in George Washington’s Cabinet.

There were only two or three Indian female students at UF and at least 10 times more male students so obviously the females were subjected to intense wooing. This led sometimes to a number of heartaches and fits of depression. In any case we both were attracted to each other and hence in April 1976 we decided to get married.

Since Nandini was nearly five foot ten inches tall and thin, most of my Indian friends used to call her single dimensional! Nevertheless she was very attractive and graceful. Quite a number of my American friends were amazed that I was going to marry a girl who was nearly four inches taller than me! Some of them even tried to dissuade me from marrying her. It came as a great surprise to me to see such backward thinking of American males.

In fact the difference in our heights led to some hilarious episodes. Just after our marriage we went to a photo studio for a portrait. The lady photographer would not allow us to stand together. Nandini had to sit down on a stool and I had to stand next to her so that one could not see the height difference. The photographer explained to me that in portraits a wife can never be taller than her husband!

After both of us decided to get married, I immediately called my parents in Lucknow. In those times calling to India was not very easy and so one had to go through the international operator in New York, the operator in New Delhi and finally the one at Lucknow. The operator in New York who seemed to be up-to-date on news started asking me about what was happening in India with Indira Gandhi’s emergency and dictatorship. I was really surprised by the knowledge of this lady.

The first question my mother asked me was whether she was an Indian or an American. When I told her that she was Indian and a Maharashtrian, she was thrilled because she felt that an Indian daughter-in-law from any state is better any day than a foreign one. In those days quite a number of Indian students married Americans and my mother was always afraid that I might also do so. My parents also knew my opposition to arranged marriage because I was against dowry and in my bania caste dowry was a big thing. So I had told them that if I marry it will be without dowry and to a person whom I like.

After telling my parents about my decision to marry Nandini, I wrote a six-page letter to my future father-in-law asking his formal permission to marry his daughter and also telling him about myself and my family etc. I never got a reply to that letter from my in-laws, but Nandini told me that even if they refused it did not matter. Nevertheless my in-laws accepted our decision happily later on.

Since Nandini was very thin, during our courtship period, I used to take her regularly to Baskin Robbins ice cream shops to fatten her! However her metabolism was so good that such acts of generosity never made a dent in her single dimensionality!

I had peculiar notions about marriage which were dictated by my male ego that I should marry only when I was able to support my wife. Since I was still a student I thought we should wait till I finish my Ph.D. and get a job. However living separately in the same town and just across the road somehow did not make much sense.

We used to meet every evening for dinner in Reid Coop where I used to cook for her. Lots of times we also went out to eat, but being busy in our studies and as students living on shoestring budgets, I found it cheaper and simpler to cook the dinner for both of us.

This went on for 3-4 months and since we were spending most of our free time with each other we thought it would be better to get married and move out into the on-campus married student housing. This would have also been cheaper for both of us since we would be saving on double housing. Thus I applied for the married student housing and was asked to occupy it in the last week of December 1976.
So we fixed the most convenient date for our marriage on 12th December 1976 which was a Sunday and just after the fall quarter.

I was also vehemently opposed to the idea of going to India to get married since I believed that the whole thing should be a simple and elegant affair. Nandini also did not mind since her parents did not believe in wedding ceremonies, so we decided to get married in Gainesville. Obviously my parents were not very happy about it since they wanted our marriage to be held in India. Being the eldest son they wanted the first marriage in the family to be a grand affair. Somehow I could not fulfill their desires.

When Nandini had come to UF in the fall of 1975 she had stayed with an American family the Webbs. Tom and Dot Webb had been to India and stayed in Pune as Tom was a USAID consultant. They had become friends with Nimbkars. Both of them were extremely nice people and lived in Gainesville where Tom was associated with UF Agronomy department where Nandini came for her graduate studies.

Thus the Webbs were foster parents to her in Gainesville. So they told me that they would give her away during the marriage ceremony and hence would be very happy if the marriage took place in their house. They also found a nice priest cum lawyer to conduct the ceremony. The gentleman who was a padre in the local church told me that he would have me and Nandini exchange Christian vows during the ceremony.

Though I was all for a simple marriage, exchanging Christian vows was not acceptable. So I asked him whether it would be all right if we exchange vows from Vedic texts. He agreed to it.

So for next two days I went to the UF library and studied thoroughly all the material regarding Indian marriages and vows written up in our ancient Indian texts. I also found that a majority of times Sanskrit shlokas exchanged in traditional marriages had no relevance to modern life. Thus in one shloka both husband and wife ask for 10 sons and 20 cows. I thought the modern translation of the shloka should be to ask for 10 factories and 20 Mercedes cars!

During this research I also discovered that Mahatma Gandhi had tremendously simplified the Hindu marriage vows since he was also pained to see the unnecessary ritualization of the marriage ceremony. His marriage vows lasted for only 15 minutes.

In any case after a good deal of research I chose some beautiful vows from the Vedic literature which in effect said that we were both equal partners in the new matrimonial alliance that we were entering.

I then went over these vows with the priest since he had to rehearse the pronunciations of the Sanskrit names in them. The priest was highly impressed with the whole process and suggested that we should invite the local TV to record this ceremony. Both of us politely declined his suggestion.

So on 12th December 1976 we were married in Webb’s home in front of a few of our close friends. I was 26 and Nandini was 22 years old. We were the first Indian students in UF to get married in Gainesville. We have been happily married since then and last year in 2006 celebrated our 30th marriage anniversary.

My parents had booked a phone call much in advance to wish us on our marriage, but calling from India to US in 1976 was like calling the moon. They could not get the call through on that day and were only able to call me after a couple of days. My mother always regretted that incident.

For the next 10 days after our marriage we still lived in our respective dorms till we got the on campus married student housing in Diamond Village.

Living together as a married couple required a good deal of adjustment on our parts. Quite a number of times there would be tiffs which I believe every young couple goes through in their early married life. The Indian milieu provides for an extended family support structure which helps in ironing out the differences. However when one lives alone in a foreign land then this support system is not available. In any case we adjusted very well and I always felt that it was one of the best decisions of my life to get married and live together. Marriage provided a tremendous emotional support and helped against loneliness that one sometimes feels in US.

I also did not ask Nandini to change her maiden name because I thought that a name is an important part of one’s personality and hence should remain with the person throughout their life. In those times it was quite a revolutionary thing. More so since in Maharashtrian custom the wife not only takes her husband’s last name but her first name is also changed! Therefore the identity of women after a Maharashtrian marriage is totally changed. I thought that was a barbaric custom. Nowadays there are many Indian married couples where the woman retains her maiden name.

Nandini did not know any cooking at all. During her first year’s stay in Beaty Towers she used to eat out in the Reitz Union Cafeteria where we had met. When we started dating we used to have lunch in the cafeteria and for nearly six months before our marriage I used to invite her in Reid Coop for dinner. So after marriage I taught her some cooking.

In any case she did learn quite fast and used to occasionally dish out delicious fare. Being students we both shared all the housework including cooking. So for 3 days I would cook dinner and next 3 days of the week she did it. Very soon it got to the point that when my turn came I would propose to take her out for dinner. So a number of times she ended up cooking for 6 days in a week!

Since both of us liked American food, we ate out quite a lot. In fact every Friday or Saturday we would go and see a movie either at the Reitz Union or in outside theaters and have a nice dinner in one of the various new restaurants that were opening up in Gainesville as it expanded. In those times there were no Internet or DVD movies and there were only 4 channels that one could get in TV. Hence a theatre movie was one of the main entertainment sources.

Nandini was also an excellent student and consistently got A's in her courses. Her professors were very fond of her. She must have made a lasting impression on them and her peers since in 1997 she was honored by UF as one of the most distinguished alumna. Since 1997 was the 50th anniversary of co-education in UF it was decided by the UF administration to honor 47 female graduates from all over the world who have excelled in their chosen field.

They were chosen out of about 85,000 female students who had passed from the university since 1947. Nandini was the only Indian and a non-US citizen chosen for this award.

In a glittering ceremony at UF in September 1997, she was honored with 46 other graduates which included President Clinton’s cabinet member, Hollywood actress, Olympic gold medalist, Chief Justice of Florida, etc. etc. Her name with that of others is engraved in a plaque in the center of University and her photograph adorns the Reitz Union wall in the main lobby and where we had met for the first time!

Another thing that bound us together was our desire to go back to India. Nandini was even firmer than I was. Though she was born in Tucson, Arizona and hence a US citizen she had renounced her citizenship before coming to US. It is a very rare act and I have never met another person who has done it. Both of us were quite determined to start our careers in India. Where in India it would be we were not sure. In fact during my stay in US I interacted with lots of my Indian friends who wanted to come back to India, but their wives were not keen on doing so. It was therefore a rare phenomenon in those times to see student couple in US who wanted to come back to India.

Since we wanted to go back, we did not want to raise our children in US. Almost all our Indian friends and other married students in Diamond village thought we were crazy since having children in US was a sure shot passport to staying in US and also beneficial for the children’s higher education. I always thought that if our children were bright enough they would come to US on their own just like us. Besides we were both students and also wanted to travel all over US, and maybe to other countries, and hence having the burden of children would not have been conducive to carrying out these plans without the usual family support system.
When we came back to India in August 1981 then within a year of our coming back our first daughter was born.

– Continued

August 26, 2007

Government Scholarship | The Preparation | Landing in America 
Campus Life | Brush with Greatness | India Association | Marriage
Looking for Better School? | Exploring America | Graduate Studies
Teaching at UF | Decision to go back to India | Epilogue

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