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Musings
Stranger in my Life
I stood there staring into the eyes of the stranger.. I didn't bat an eyelid in case the person might disappear. There was no way the identity of the person was going to elude me any more. "Honey .. doggie.. lights.. " voices in the background.. ".. tinky winky.. Lala." nothing could shake my concentration. I was determined once and for all I was going to put my finger on the stranger that mockingly glared at me.
Suddenly like lightening in the dark sky reality plays a cruel joke and pulls the rug from under my feet.. The image is familiar.. "Oh no, please god no." I raise my arms towards the heaven with a look of desperation, "I'll owe you big time Big Guy please come through for me this time." But I suppose He is omnipresent and omniscient, so my conversation about how god didn't exist was going to make me do the time. Sucking in my breath, and grabbing onto the remnants of my sinking courage I look up at the heavens (always wondered if the guy up there could see through roofs and ceilings) "give it to me straight", I said with a quiver in my voice.
I stood there motionless waiting for the miracle to happen.. today the mystery was going to unfold. To my dismay the stranger just continued to glare back. There was going to be no divine intervention, I was going to have to solve this one on my own. I moved in closer to deftly
examine the person that stood in front of me. The disheveled appearance and soiled shirt just didn't inspire me to go on further. How could people not care about their appearance.. the least they could do was iron their clothes and comb their hair, I thought. But curiosity got the better of me and I took a closer look.
That look again.. I knew that look. I grew bolder with each step. I could clearly see the person in front of me. Chaos stared back at me.. fatigue, frustration, frenzy, fright.. I could see all the emotions of a person close to the edge. Paralyzed I looked at the image. Was that
really a stranger or was it ME just having a hard time accepting my new role. I smiled as a little hand tugged at my shirt and another little body collided with mine. Was I going to embrace the stranger that looked back at me or was I going to continue my struggle to hold on to
who I thought I should be. "mumma.. Maime." music filled my ears, and the love light up my heart like fireflies on a dark monsoon night.
Why I wanted children.. Motherhood and me.. eternal questions.
Changing my life from order to chaos.. learning to look at me, my role and the world in a new way. Was it worth it?
Someone said that children are the celebration of the union of love. Looking at my twins I beamed and
thought ... Our love had overflowed.
– Hippie Gal
March 29, 2001
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