My study is full
of scraps of paper, strewn all over the floor and rising to the
ceiling. I have emptied out all the shelves and drawers in my
mind; they are now lying all over the floor. I am looking for
that one girl I knew in school thirty-five years ago. I am
hoping to find that one piece of paper I have so carefully
preserved, the love letter you wrote to me.
In my mind’s eye, I can see your hand written letter; no
ctrl+alt+del can ever wipe away. At least not till my dying
breath.
Technology has not moved. If it had then I could have just
pressed the print button in my head and there! A smooth laser
print out would eject out – the exact hand written love letter.
Wonder why you called me Julie?
My partner does not even know of you. So long ago, I can hardly
remember to tell her –
In any case, why should I? Remembering you in this heap of paper
strewn across my room is –
Angst, my bitter chocolate.
I have lived and loved many but my heart was always with you.
Your breath forever is imprinted in my brain. Its haunting
fragrance over the years has not dried out. Why should I even
try to erase it, when it causes me to remember –
Angst, is my bitter chocolate.
The closest I came to being with you was twenty two years ago.
Someone quite like you entered my life – just an acquaintance, a
good friend. So close was I to the real you, I feared getting
any closer might end, even overwrite, my treasured memories of
you –
Angst, my bitter chocolate.
I have forbidden the maid to enter this room. For the last one
month it has not been cleaned: I must find you first in these
heaps of papers lying on the floor – No! No cleaning is
required. I don’t want a blank screen. Among these papers I
believe, lies one letter you wrote to me in indelible ink on
lavender blue paper. It is stored in the deep recesses of my
mind. If I can find that one letter in this heap of paper, I
will be able to compare it with the writings in my mind. But
irony, why and how shall I find your letter? Finding it would be
my loss. Eternally looking for you causes me pain –
Angst, my bitter chocolate.
I saw you again in her the other day – just a carbon copy,
ctrl-C if you like. Instantly I was drawn to her, like iron
filings to a magnet. I could not keep my eyes off her…in seconds
my mind made mental notes – the same grace, the same body shape,
the same color of skin, even the same fall of hair! Again and
again I gazed at her. I noticed her long artist’s fingers
resting against her cheek and I wondered, is she a painter or a
writer? Or is she a scientist like you? I could not get away
from thinking of her. Thought of her occupied my mind entirely
and robbed me of my sleep. Yet, whenever I closed my eyes to
rest them, my senses filled with emotions long forgotten –
My partner sleeps soundly but every time I think of her, she
rolls over and cuddles me. I wonder – how does she know? Even in
sleep she will not allow infidelity!
How can I tell her, it will always be so? In my mind I will
always be yours. Maybe never in reality. For, I will never
shatter what you bring out in me –
Angst, my bitter chocolate.
