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Random Thoughts
Why I Didn�t Get The Medal Of Freedom
by
Gaurang Bhatt, MD
 The medal of freedom is
the highest civilian award in the US and I would have gotten it for
preventing a war between the US and Canada, but as they say there is
many a slip betwixt the cup and the lip. I was returning from Canada to
the US. Bush had just signed a new law insisting that a passport was
necessary to cross the border. The 3000 mile border used to be the
longest non-policed border between any two nation states, but Cheney had
just stopped his medications to control his paranoia and woke up in his
secret undisclosed bunker during a nightmare and trembled in panic at
the idea of Canadian terrorists smuggling dirty national healthcare
across the un-policed border.
I had cleared customs and was between the immigration checkpoints. A
nondescript white man with an elephant logo on his designer T-shirt was
not carrying any documentation and was being refused entry by the US
immigration officer. I felt it was my duty to be a good Samaritan and
help the poor chap especially since his T-shirt logo, like a white cane,
advertised that he was seriously handicapped. I politely queried the
immigration officer if I could help since I am bilingual and can
understand Republican gibberish. The officer briefed me about the
details. I said the guy seems to speak English with a nondescript North
American accent and is white and thus most likely a Canadian or
American. Why don�t we ask him to say the word �out� and if he doesn�t
say it with a Scottish flavor he is most likely American. Apparently
this guy like me and Henry Kissinger had spent the first fourteen
formative years of his life outside the US and as Henry�s younger
brother who speaks English with a perfect natural American accent
rightly said about both of us and our accents when asked to explain
Henry�s heavy German intonation of English. �The reason Henry can�t talk
like other Americans is he loves to talk but never listens and is
unaffected by what others say and how they say it�.
The perplexed but polite immigration officer was in a quandary. Suddenly
a brainstorm hit me. I am like that. It is like sudden tornadoes in the
plain states. I suggested to the immigration officer that we should ask
the suspect individual without documentation his views on single payer
government managed healthcare. The immigration officer seemed dubious
about my idea but decided to play along for lack of a better
alternative. To our combined surprise the man who was polite, cordial
and civilized before, exploded with rage in a torrent of loud words. �I
don�t want the government to decide whether I live or die. I want Sarah
Palin�s child with Down�s syndrome to have the same shot at the
vice-presidency that Sarah Palin with much more severe retardation had.
I know that the government health plan is only for youth and Asians (he
must have heard euthanasia somewhere and never learnt to read in school
or write even in college and his heroes were Senators Macaque, Dumbkopf,
Grosslie and Vile�. I calmed him down and told the immigration officer
that this guy was obviously a US citizen.
The immigration seemed not quite convinced. I realized that desperate
times require desperate measures. I saw that the mounties on the
Canadian side were looking more and more grizzly. I dialed my cell phone
and asked the White House operator to wake up Bush who I knew was always
sleeping on the job. I heard his sleepy voice and informed him of the
details of the border incident that could have led to a war as the
Canadians were mad for being labeled as potential terrorists and
healthcare fanatics. I reminded the president that anyone born in the US
even if it is Hawaii and any natural born idiot anywhere in the world is
automatically eligible for US citizenship as a birthright. Bush quipped,
�I knew that. It is in the Constipation that the fondling fathers wrote.
How do you think I became a US citizen and president�. I handed the
phone to the immigration officer, helped a fellow Republican and averted
war between the US and Canada.
The next day I got a call from Bush. He said,� I have given Tenet the
medal of freedom for starting the war in Afghanistan and Iraq, so just
to be fair and balanced like Fox News, I have to give you the medal
too�. I was rejoicing but put on a modest face. The next morning, I
opened up my copies of the �New York Slime� and the �Washington Hoax�
and there was a story that the Defamation Clique and the Fat Cat Pac
objected to my getting the honor because I was anti-semitic and against
Israel. I said, �wait a minute, many of my friends and partners have
been Jewish, so how can you label me anti-semite. That seemed to soothe
the ruffled feathers of the Defamation Clique. So I called the Fat Cat
Pac and asked them why they thought I was against Israel. Their official
spokesperson said my remarks about every natural born idiot having a
birthright for US citizenship were against Israel. He informed me that
Israel had recently amended its constitution to give the right of
citizenship to anyone born a Jew and all natural born idiots of any
religion all over the world, as long as they had a certificate from the
Orthodox Chief Rabbi, even though he maybe selling kidneys or laundering
black money. I said, �I know a lot of Jews and many of them are highly
intelligent�. The spokesperson took offense and shouted,� We have a lot
of idiots in Israel in leading positions and an entire ruling political
party of idiots. We can match the US Lieberman for Lieberman. You have a
new president elect Whatshisname-who, we have a prime minister
Nuts-and-Yahoo�.
I realized that it was not worth arguing. The Fat Cat Pac had more money
to contribute to election campaigns. So I didn�t get the medal but I did
a good deed for a Republican and prevented a US Canada war. I will
surely get my reward in heaven. Knowing my luck and my atheism, I am not
hoping for a roomful of virgins.
August 16,
2009
Image under license with
Gettyimages.com
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