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Women
Arranged
Vs Love Marriage
Recently
I was watching a television biography of a famous female artiste who was
bulimic. This made me think about arranged and love marriages from a
women's perspective.
The usual opinion is that arranged marriages happen only in the east but
this was not always so arranged marriages were happening even in Victorian
Europe. With the industrial revolution and the end of the 2 world wars
people's attitudes and perceptions started changing as women started to
join the workforce and they started to demand for their rights. In England
for example most of the kings and queens had arranged marriages up until
King George V the present Queen Elizabeth's father broke tradition by
marrying a commoner. Besides popular love lore like Soni Mahiwal,
India always had a long tradition of arranged marriages. With the advent
of the British, and the subsequent introduction of British education
system more Indians got educated. These educated Indians in turn started
to send their children to school and tried to educate their wives at home.
The cause of women's education and rights were also very much espoused by
our social reformers. In spite of this the institution of arranged
marriage persisted. Education and exposure to the media, started to make
people to think and realize they need not be bound by tradition and they
can choose their own marital partners without having to rely on parents,
matchmakers, relatives or having to consult astrologers. This gave rise to
love marriages. Currently in our country we have arranged as well as love
marriages taking place.
Before I launch further into this article, I want to briefly explain
bulimia and anorexia nervosa two conditions which afflict mainly women in
the west and which form the basis for this article.
Anorexia Nervosa
In this condition teenage girls go on a diet to attain a slim figure. They
are inspired by fashion models and long to emulate them. They go to
extreme lengths to achieve their ideal to the extent of starving
themselves. Anorexics can't seem to get over the feeling that they are
big, and eat less and less to achieve their goal. Some anorexics need to
be hospitalized and administered intravenous fluids. This is a mental
illness, which needs to be treated at both the mental and physical level.
Bulimia
Bulimia is more common among older women. Women suffering from this type
of condition have been known to eat and stuff themselves till they get
sick and then throw all of that up. This way they feel psychologically
satisfied that they have not only satisfied their food cravings but have
also avoided putting on unnecessary weight. Bulimics have been known to
consume as much as 3 bowls of cereal, 4 bars of chocolate, 3 packs of
cookies, 1 steak, 2 bowls of fruit, 3 bars of ice-cream half a gallon of
milk in one sitting. One famous example of a bulimic person is the late
Princess Diana. This is a more serious condition from anorexia since it
involves binge eating and throwing up which is unhealthy.
It is argued that love
marriages offer more independence and freedom as compared to arranged
marriages where the girl/boy is chosen by the parents so there is pressure
to conform to parental expectations like producing a male heir, taking
part in family rituals and traditions, putting up with sisters-in-laws,
contributing to family expenses etc. One of the usual questions against an
arranged marriage is that how can you marry somebody you don't know.
Knowing somebody before marriage allows partners to have better respect
and understanding for each other's needs and desires. This way they are
better adjusted in the marriage when they finally take their wedding vows.
Not all love marriages have happy endings. Sometimes discord arises even
in love marriages. In the west girls who are fat find it difficult to find
suitable dates. There is pressure on the women to conform to conventional
male ideas of beauty where women have to be tall and slim with hourglass
figures. These kinds of attitudes and perspectives have not only created
the kinds of conditions which I described above but are also responsible
for women suffering a lot of pain and rejection. Beauty contests and the
popular Barbie doll with its model of a doll with supermodel's figure have
been accused of reinforcing this mindset. These kinds of pressures would
just increase as society gets more modern and technology advances. Then,
would women who refuse to conform get left behind? This made me wonder for
a moment that maybe society should switch back to arranged marriages from
love marriages since this pursuit for perfection in beauty would increase
as society changes. On the positive side all this has also led to the
feminist movements in the west. Women have come out of the closet refusing
to be mere sexual objects pandering to male ideas of beauty.
Coming to arranged marriages, they offer more protection, security to the
women. There is not much pressure on the women to look like models.
Parents employ maturity and wise judgment when choosing suitable spouses
for their children. Sometimes it helps to rely on another person's opinion
and experience when selecting one's partner especially when the people
marrying are young and need guidance and advice in marrying a suitable
person.
This does not mean arranged marriages are the ideal sort of marriages.
Having an arranged does not mean that the married couple remains happily
ever after or that there is harmony in the relationship. Women have been
known to stay on in abusive relationships for the sake of family pride,
respect in society etc. Even in an arranged marriage there is a different
sort of pressure to be fair-skinned and beautiful. In India the evil of
dowry, caste and community issues and the concept of matching horoscopes,
sometimes taken to its extreme levels have contributed much to the
argument against arranged marriages.
It becomes difficult therefore to predict the ideal sort of marriage. So
ultimately it is up to the individual to decide whether he wants to have a
love or an arranged marriage after all it is a question of being happy in
love.
–
Nayan S Mijar
July 28, 2002
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