Never has a battle been fought so intensely and with so varied an array of tools and tactics. And even if a handful of die-hards sweat it through, there are more than some who believe, when it comes to the battle of the bulge it is but a pyrrhic victory.

I looked in the mirror and screamed! I was going on vacation in a few months and I was quickly becoming the cellulite capital of the world! My fear was that if I went swimming I would be harpooned and dragged aboard a fishing boat!!

A life decision was made: No more diet pills, shakes, bars and battery-operated belts that falsely claim to give you washboard abs. No more tight clothes that make you look slim but leave you gasping for breath!! The right thing would be to change my eating habits and embark on a workout programme.

The first rule to getting in shape is to choose a regiment that would fit your personality and schedule. Unfortunately, there wasn't a "Drink shakes, eat Donuts and stuff yourself with Pizza" fat reduction plan. I quickly researched and found the most popular diets and decided to evaluate them. The most widespread diets are exactly opposite of each other. One is low in carbohydrates and high in protein. The other is a high carbohydrate, low protein diet.

The first category promotes eating food like meats, butter, eggs and cream. This sounds tasty but it might cause liver or kidney shutdown! Even though I am not medically certified, I have a feeling this could kill me!!! The second category demands high grain foods. At first glance, this seems like a healthy way to eat but it offers a very bland menu and without protein, it could cause energy loss. The weight will fall off but you won't have the strength to get out of bed.

The juice and herbal remedies for your body are not regulated by any medical board and might damage parts of your anatomy that you didn't even know existed! And some of it tastes like a buffalo had grazed on the ingredients right before they were cut!! Total put off even before you think about giving it a shot!

The interesting difference between the herbs and various vitamin supplements in many diets is how they affected the lower intestine. Herbs loosen it up to the point where you have to plan your day's activities around bathroom locations!

After studying the different blubber cures, I started to formulate my own fat reduction plan and at the same time began to investigate exercise programmes.

There are numerous workout programmes. In fact, many are offered on video. I knew that the right programme could increase my energy levels, improve sleep and have a positive effect on my life. The most popular are: Jane Fonda, Martial Arts and Kick Boxing, Yoga, Pilates, Cindy Crawford and Buns of steel, just to name a few. There's even one that promotes belly dancing. I want to lose my belly, not train it to prance around the floor!! I bought the most popular videos but had some problems. I was into the karate kicks until my foot went though the TV.

I decided to get in shape the old fashioned way: running, lifting weights, push-ups and sit-ups. It was all coming together. It was time to get my psyche involved. Once the mind is fully involved in healing and strengthening the body, it's just a matter of time until your dream comes true. This is quickly accomplished by setting 15 minutes aside for visualization and chanting. Visualization is accomplished by closing your eyes and imagining yourself as the physical specimen you long to be. As you are doing this, you would pick a phrase that had significance for your goal and say it over and over again. I chose "Scarlett Johansson, Scarlett Johansson, Scarlett Johansson!"

The first morning I was up at 5am with my newly purchased running gear on and raring to go. I left the building and ran for a little over an hour at the Corniche. I was exhausted. I crawled the last hundred metres into McDonalds and bought a well-deserved Pepsi with a big breakfast on the side! The first day of lifting weights was easy. I did 10 lifts, 20 curls and 15 bench presses. I struggled with the sit-ups but managed seven. I ran into a problem with the push-ups. After the third one I couldn't move! I needed HELP because I'd fallen and I couldn't get up!! I lay there until the next morning and started my sequence once again. I followed this routine for a week. When it was time to weigh myself, I realized I didn't exactly lose the weight I hoped I would. In fact, I actually gained three kilos but it must be because muscle weighs more than fat.

In so far as a diet, I decided to get some help from a dietician at the health club. I got this long list of foods I could and couldn't eat but after a while my brain gave me signals that this wasn't a good idea after all. The dietician did not share my view that Snickers bars were wholesome!!

On the eight day the unthinkable happened. While I was jogging, I slipped and sprained my foot! The doctor said it would have been worse if I hadn't grabbed and used an elderly woman passerby as a landing cushion! If you look hard enough: something good can come out of the worst situations!

As I lay moaning on my sofa watching TV, the news announced a scientific breakthrough. The Fat-Gene was discovered and if removed, the body would not become 'FAT'! They introduced a mouse that was genetically altered and who was fed high fat and high calorie foods but remained trim. What the hell was I killing myself for when a cure was right around the corner?? Anyways, I reluctantly gave up jogging after my near death experience. My workout outfits and sweatbands are now worn when cleaning my apartment.

Although I was elated with the scientific breakthrough, the news was not all-good. Later that week it was announced that the mouse was found hanging in his cage!! It seems the scientists put him back on his regular food, thereby ending the flow of cake, ice-cream, steaks, sweets and his favourite, snickers bars!! He became so depressed he committed suicide!!

As for myself, I wait patiently for the forthcoming genetic cure: sipping my Pepsi, eating my Pringles and laughing at the sweating bodies on the workout tapes.