Random Thoughts
Repentance
I repent , I repent , I hast fallen , fallen from thy grace. I hast fallen from seeing my lords face.. heaven help me I hast fallen.. I’m disgraced. I’m low.. I hath sinned my lord, I hast fallen.
Martha. I have fallen and bethrayed my Lord and my wedded partner. I hath fallen.
Martha: O Lord, I come to thee, with my face ashen, disgraced, grey and full of shame. I stand before thee with complete misery and disgrace. I stand before thee a sinner. I stand before thee a low animal. I stand before thee an unworthy soul, who Thou hast incredibly blessed and yet, who hath sinned. O Lord, I stand before thee fallen and low. I stand before thee truly undeserving. I stand before thee despicable. I hath fallen, for though thou hath always stood by me and with me, though hath warned me and guied me and spoken to me, thou hath held me hand and shown me the way, I still chose the road of the devil, possessed was I by lust and by selfish self gratification. I hath fallen, now, my Lord.
And now that the act is committed and I become one with the devil and I become his slave, my lord, I hath turned my head to thee to join my hands befor thee.
I must not play games my lord. Must not in this moment of sin and misery, pretend to be heroic about having repented , about having turned to thee and come out clean. For I know my lord, I have layers. I have layers where I stand reprieved, where the lust in me seeks justification, layers where I long for quick mercy so I can move on with the bounties Thou Hast life’s so mercifully planted along my path… layers where I feel my pride coming back to walk on.
But I do stand on a road where I see my cross ahead. The cross which I have just created and which one day, as I walk along the road I will have to carry. I repent my lord and I fear my cross. But I hope my Lord, I don’t repent because I fear my cross. I hope I repent, because thou hath loved me and guided me and bestowed on me and showed me. And yet I chose the devil. I hope I repent because thou hath turned on the headlights to lighten and brighten my path and I chose to shut my eyes and walk in the direction of darkness, of the pitfalls. I hope I repent for thou, in thy incredible Kindness and Love, hath put thy trust in me, bestowing on me thy incredible Kindness and Grace, and yet I wronged thee. Knowingly and fully, my lord, I hath offended thee and thy Love. I hath truly turned my face on thee, while thy was reaching out to me.’
I repent my lord, and may my repentance be sincere and long and full of suffering, so I may seek the Love of thy heart once again. And be worthy of thy love. And having fallen so despicably, be able and worthy of rising again. In thy grace. In thy love.
Forgive me my Mother. Forgive me My Mother of Perpetual Succour. Suffer me not to lose my God.
Amen.
31-Jan-2013
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Aaliyah James
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