Humor
Buy-a-Kiss Party
Pande Sir walked out of the bank, rich, his trouser pocket swelling out with concealing four bundles of notes of the Rs 100 denomination. He had counted all the notes carefully ' Twenty thousand rupees! His mouth watered. What an evening it was going to be. Top secret on his mind but a evening that was going to keep his lips and mouth busy. He smiled to himself unable to hide his secret joy.
Pande Sir worked at the University. He had come to Delhi many years ago, from his small town, with the hope of finding a job. The eldest of five children, he had the responsibility of his aging parents, his three unwed sisters and his young brother on himself. Luckily, times were better then and he soon found a job at the University with the help of a good friend. He had since then 'Haan ji ' d and Ho ji-d' his way up the ladder. Seniors loved him. Pande Sir had no problems doing his office job during hours and running small errands for the professors in the evening. These acts were taking him places - all places except one. Pande ji had not reached his own marriage pandal yet. And being a good boy from a respectable family, he had not even ventured into the oft-visited Red Quarters of the city yet. In fact up until today, he had not even experienced the sheer joy of a woman's lustrous lips.
His office colleague, Mr Nair, blamed him for it '
' Pande Sir ', he had said, ' kuch bhi kaho, what have you got by staying away from women your whole life? No bale bale, no chumma, de, de chumma'.
The opportunity had come all of a sudden. The most fantastic idea ever to hit upon. He heard of a party happening on the terrace of a residential colony, where one could pay and get a kiss. Pande Sir jumped at the idea. He was going to show Nair that waiting for results finally does pay off. It was going to rain kisses this evening.
The excitement was unbearable. In fact, he was going to be there early. In the bus he sat himself down at the 'Ladies Seat' section and daydreamed. When the Conductor came to ask him for his ticket, he suddenly found all the women staring at him. They were laughing at the way he had pouted his lips as if he was on the verge of receiving a kiss! The lady next to him had in fact covered her lips with the edge of her sari to conceal her laughter. Or a threat!
As soon as the Stop came, Pande Sir, jumped out and walked up the narrow path to the house, on the terrace of which the party was to happen. Winding steps lead him to the Promised Land.
' Is this where the Kissing Party is going to happen?' he asked the lady at the door.
' Kissing Party? Why yes, this is the place. However, I am sure you know it is Buy-a-Kiss. '
' Ah', said Pande Sir, ' I know, I know! I am all prepared. Look!' he said like a child displaying his toys, ' Here! Twenty thousand rupees! I am prepared.'
'Hope you win', the girl said sweetly. ' However, you will have to win the Lucky Draw'.
' Lucky Draw? What Lucky Draw are you talking about'.
' Sweety' the lady said looking flirtatiously at Pande Sir, ' Did you not know, there is a Lucky Draw. You have to buy a ticket for Rs 1000. There will be a draw and five lucky winners will be announced. If you win, ' she continued with a wink, ' you will enter the final round. The Kiss will then be auctioned and will go off to the highest bidder! I wish you win!'
She smiled bewitchingly, winking again. Then she did something, Pande Sir was not quite used to. She swayed her body disturbing and came rather close to him, so much so that he could smell the sweet smell of wine in her breath. It sent a zing up in his head. He lost himself for a few moments in the titillating exposure of her cleavage. She was so close, he could feel her hand resting lightly on his behind. Pande Sir had never been so close to a woman before. He felt dizzy and light headed and began to wriggle and giggle uncontrollably'
Suddenly, she disengaged herself from him and turning, she left, leaving him gasping for breath. Pande Sir ran. He ran for his life. ' By God', he thought, bacch gaya. She would have eaten'.'
He hailed the nearest taxi and as he was about to get in, he put his hand into his pocket. Piping hot air began to emit from his ears.
' Where is my money? he gasped, ' Where is the money'.
Frantically, he looked into each and every pocket. His briefcase even. No, the money was gone! He thought of running up the stairs back to the terrace but stopped short. The Buy-a-Kiss party was over for him! And he had paid handsomely for it!
' Saala Nair' he cursed ' I will make him pay for it. No bale bale, No chumma de, de chumma'! Huh!
05-May-2007
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Julia Dutta
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