Her wedding was drawing near and there was just a week left but to Kalpana, it appeared like one whole year. Anything might happen in these seven days, supposing Kailash changes his mind. There is always the possibility, one can never trust men, one moment they are all sugar and honey and the next moment harsh and dominating, she thought with a sigh. Only the other day her aunt, who was an inveterate gossip, had remarked, “Kalpana, don’t think it is easy for girls like you to get married, you are lucky that Kailash agreed to marry you, but would suggest you keep your fingers crossed till the marriage takes place, you can’t say about men, they are easily influenced.”

These were her actual words “Easily influenced.” And they kept coming back to her, however much she tried to forget. “Oh God! Let not Kailash back out from this engagement, she prayed with all her heart. Kalpana tried to relive the day Kailash came to see her. His tall frame, with broad shoulders and a very expressive face had impressed her, she also liked the relaxed way he went about asking her questions regarding her studies, her hobbies, interests, etc. From the moment he entered her house along with his elder brother, he felt quite at ease with its atmosphere and her folks , unlike other suiters who appeared ill at ease all the while they were there.

Her parents also liked him and said she would be very lucky if he agreed to this alliance. To the joy of everyone, word came within only a fortnight that Kailash had accepted the proposal. Needless to say, she was most excited and could not sleep that night, she was thinking of Kailash every moment. Her earlier suitors had come and seen her and there it ended. After going through several interviews she had almost given up hope, deciding that it was futile to entertain the very idea of marriage , especially girls like her should reconcile with this truth. She would remain a spinster all her life, she thought.. “Amma, this is going to be the last boy I am going to see,’ she said, but never dreamt that, he would be the last for a very different reason!

Well, now all the initial excitement was over and it has given place to some other feeling in her, the feeling of fear, fear that her pleasant dream would get shattered one fine day and she might after all have to remain a spinster all her life.

The sound of a cycle bell followed by the postman’s voice awakened her from her thoughts and she ran to get the letters. As the day of marriage was drawing near , her fears and apprehension increased.

She had to tell her husband the ugly secret. Would he forgive her or would he recoil in disgust?

She dreaded to open the letters. One of them might be from Kailash to convey the bad news in a few lines!

But to her relief, she found they were all from her friends saying they would come for her wedding. She was very happy at the prospect of meeting all of them again. They were all married and well settled. Here she was the last to get married in her group of eight.

At last, it was March 28, the expected and much looked forward day. Kailash was tying the holy knot around her neck and she could feel his fingers touching its nape. Her mother was busy ushering in guests one moment, saying something to the priest the other moment. “What could she be saying to him?” she wondered. Her father was as usual cool and calm. Even his daughter’s marriage didn’t seem to excite him, Kalpana thought, and smiled within herself. Oh! how indifferent men could be, or was it that they never exhibit their feelings? she mused.

After the wedding her life was nothing short of ecstasy. Her honeymoon to Darjeeling, then the numerous parties hosted by Kailash’s friends, oh, it was a gay and carefree life, full of fun. She hardly had time to be alone with her husband. Thereafter they were busy setting up their new home which was located close to Kailash’s office.

After the first few months of mad euphoria, Kalpana began to feel uneasy again, fears coming back to fill her mind with dread and anguish. She had known Kailash for quite a while now and she seemed to like him more and more as days passed. His happy-go-lucky attitude appealed to her and his laugh was infectious. She noticed that seriousness had no place in his mental makeup, he always took things lightly. And he was devoted to her.

But the uneasiness persisted and several times she tried to say something which was gnawing at her mind, but he never gave her a chance to be serious. What was even more puzzling, the question she expected as inevitable one day or the other did not come at all. She was sure one day Kallash would corner her and find out the ugly truth and she would lose his love, his respect. Supposing, he was ignorant of it all, she wondered, but how was that possible?

Her mother would never have lied to her ,she had said that whoever came to see her, did so knowingly and Kailash could not have been an exception. But now doubts started creeping in and she feared that in her anxiety to get her married , her mother would have decided not to reveal the dreaded secret. Too many proposals had been wrecked on hidden rock in her life.

When Kailash agreed to marry her, she had thought that he was not like other men, that he was broad minded and had agreed because he was magnanimous, his love was deep enough to forgive, yes, even forget the ugly truth about her. Thank God a few magnanimous men like Kailash existed in this world, she thought, but this optimism did not last long. Most of the time it was dread and not hope that filled her heart.

Kallash’s job took him on frequent tours. He was out half the month. In the beginning she had missed him a lot, but now she was slowly getting used to these brief spells of absence. But her loneliness only intensified the old memories and the gloom that encircled her.

No, she must ask Kailash and be done with this miasma of uncertainty once for all. She could not torture herself any longer and live in perpetual fear like this. She decided to talk it out with Kailash when he returned from his present tour.

The next evening she heard the cab drawing up at the gate and he was shouting, “Hai, Kalp, did you miss me ?” even as he entered the house, but seeing her strained face, he sobered instantly and asked, “what happened? where has your smile gone? Why are you greeting me with face so grim? what’s wrong?” Untying his shoes, he went on and on firing questions at her and giving no chance for her to say anything.

“Are you not giving your husband some hot tea, darling?” he then asked smiling and she went into the kitchen, her footsteps heavy, As she watched her husband enjoying the hot snacks she had prepared, her heart was almost breaking. But she had decided to end this ceaseless tension and plucking up courage, she asked, “Kailash, do you know everything about me?’

This rather unexpected question took him by surprise, but in a moment Kailash was leaning back in the chair and laughing. “I think I’ve known you for the last eight months, my sweet, charming, shy, modest…” and he seemed to be searching for more adjectives.

Please, Kailash, this is serious.

I don’t mean these past eight months; I want to know if you know anything about me before my marriage?”

“Well, if there is anything interesting, I shall be happy to know about it although frankly, I am quite content with what I know.”

He was making it difficult for Kalpana to carry out her resolve, but she was at the end of her tether and had to have it out.

‘Oh, Kailash I don’t know how to begin and ….”

Again he interrupted flippantly, “why not begin at the beginning? Simple isn’t it?”

“You know, you were not the only suitor I had,” she said, ignoring his levity.

“That happens with every girl, doesn’t it? What’s so important about that?’

“No, no, that’s not what I meant. All of them rejected me and you were the first person to agree to marry me.”

“Well, that’s obvious, isn’t? I mean, otherwise, you wouldn’t be here with me, serving me delicious snacks, and tea. 0,K., what’s troubling you? What terrible confessions do you have up your sleeve?”

“Kailash, be serious for once. You know why they rejected me?’`

“Their bad luck and my good luck, I suppose,”

“No,, it was my good luck to marry someone so broad minded and kind hearted like you,” she said, “And I don’t know how to express my gratitude to God for giving you as my life partner. But tell me, aren’t all men possessive ,suspicious and whatever they may have done, don’t they insist on their brides being virgins? So who would care to marry someone like me, who has been wronged for no fault of hers that too when I was not yet out of school?”

The words had come out in a rush, She dared not look at her husband for fear of what his face would reveal. Fearful of his out-burst of anger, she continued hurriedly, “Kailash, my mother obviously has not told you, and you don’t, know” .Saying this, she looked up, ready to face his hatred and contempt. She had burnt her boats and must face her future with a brave heart.

His face was serious, and the softness had vanished.

Suddenly she felt frightened, “Kailash, please don’t look like that I can’t bear to see that expression on your face, I know you hate me, which man wouldn’t. But I love you Kailash, believe me I do. What happened was not my fault. I didn’t even see that man. I fainted away, and when I regained consciousness he had vanished. I realised what had happened because of the blood and the pain. I was…” and then she broke down, her sobs tearing her chest.

But Kailash, instead of a bitter tirade, instead of slapping her and pushing her out of his presence was holding her in a tight embrace and saying, “My poor dear girl, did it never occur to you that although you were unconscious, the man must have been fully conscious and seen you and also that there was every possibility of recognising you if he saw you again? Don’t think there are any exceptions to our sex, we are all alike—possessive, suspicious and harsh—but in one thing I am not like others, I do not believe in double standards and I have a conscience”.

Slowly his words began to sink in and Kalpana felt faint and dizzy. As she was about to collapse she felt a strong pair of arms carry her to the bed, the same pair of arms she thought and this was not the first time they were holding her in a state of semi consciousness.

First published in Eve's Weekly on December 3, 1977