It is infuriating to see how a few rotten apples can pose a threat to a perfectly healthy tree. Our nation exemplifies unpolluted democracy and it perturbs me when I see certain people trying to pollute it. We all know the part that religious passion and enthusiastic nationalism have played in helping India reach the glorious heights it has reached today. So, I decided to conduct an investigation of sorts into the blatant acts of blasphemy that these antinational elements have been committing.

As a result of keen observation on my part, and perfectly productive use of my time, I found out the subliminal messages of hate that a certain female anchor on a sports show was emitting. Mandira, as I shall refer to her, was shamelessly drinking orange juice from a white glass using a blue straw. The very sight of it wounded the national pride within me that I held (and will always hold) higher than everything else. After days of stoning herresidence, burning her effigies and downloading her hot semi-naked photos off the Internet, my fellow patriots and I filed a case against her that resulted in a just court verdict; for the crime of insulting our national colors, she was made to stand completely nude in front of us with nothing but a book to cover herself.

This, inadvertently, led me to the second villainous figure in this vicious antinationalcircle. An artist, with questionable initials, whom I shall call M.F Hussain. Aided by his perversely heretical mind, he dared to paint the nude picture of Mandira having nothing but a book to cover herself. Clearly, his desire was to abuse the Hindu religion and insult the source of divine knowledge, which was epitomized by the book in her hand. After days of stoning his residence, burning his effigies, and urinating on his property walls, my fellow believers and I filed a case against him that finally managed to serve justice; for offending the religious sentiments of one billion people Mr. Hussain was made to repeatedly watch the movies he directed for three consecutive days followed by a session of Amitabh Bachchan narrating penguin sex.

As I was celebrating the contributions I had made to our country’s overall progress by going to a Chinese Restaurant, my eyes fell on the deplorable act of a renowned sportsperson committing sacrilege against our nation’s father. Sachin, I shall call him, was brazenly using chopsticks to consume his Chinese Food when clearly the chopsticks resembled the walking stick that our Mahatma once used. I knew I owed it to Bappuji to inflict proper punishment on blasphemers like Sachin. After breaking his bats, crushing his balls, and burning his effigies, my fellow Indians and I once again approached the judiciary and were given a fair verdict; for the crime of insulting the Father of Our Nation Sachin was made to take dancing lessons from S. Sreesanth.

I’m, unfortunately, forced to report all this from an undisclosed location as Maneka Gandhi is stoning my house assisted a group of effigy-burning chimps. She apparently felt that the inclusion of penguins in this report was discriminatory and insensitive on my part. But I don’t blame her since, as Indians, we do have the right to stone other people’s houses and cause them physical harm while protesting. If that is not freedom of expression, then I don’t know what is.