Soundarya Lahiri
The inner sanctum of the monastery seemed serene yet erotic
Angelic sunlight sprinkled the inner courtyard with a radiant effulgence
I was simply awestruck by the majestic silence of this sacred space
The pillars seemed erect and alive
Making love as it were with the womb of pervasive latent divinity
The breeze was whispering a joyous sonata encapsulating the ambience
And the fragrance of the wild flowers caressed me all over
Their gentle seduction arousing visions of adoring lovemaking
Mesmerized and enchanted, I felt enraptured by this space and time
My whole being was vibrating with gushing thrills from within
Manifesting a feeling of sheer oneness with this uninhabited structure
I felt consecrated
The silence was pregnant with a wild throbbing intensity
The vibrations were a testimony to the past’s vivid presence
It made me wonder
What is this place?
Did Buddhist monks live and practice here?
What did they do?
Can I go back in time and see?
I wish…
And then suddenly I heard a sound coming from the hallway behind me
It was a clear mellifluous sound of little bells
As I turned around and strained to hear
The sound was distinctly synchronized with that of faint approaching footsteps
Is this the sound of payal* ?
I felt aroused at the thought of an approaching nymph
The melody of the anklets put me in a state of stupor
Is this for real?
A dark silhouette was emerging in the distance
Languidly and deliberately making its way towards me
My heart was pounding wildly with excitement and expectation
The person seemed tiny and diminutive from where I stood
The magic and mystery of the moment transfixed me
When the figure finally made its way into the sunlit courtyard
What I saw was quite different from what I had expected
Moving towards me was a little girl
An aura of unearthly grace and charm enveloped her
She was dressed in a rustic, colorful long skirt and blouse
Seeing me she smiled with recognition and greeting
that needed no words
Her skirt brushed lightly along the floor
Covering and then unveiling the earth she tread her tiny feet on
Unexpectedly she then made a turn towards the entrance
I stood stupefied as she slowly moved away from me
I did not have the courage to stop her or even call out to her
Like a stone fixture I stood rooted to the ground
All my life force was focused at my eyes
Witnessing this unique spectacle in wonderment
Who is she?
Is she just going to disappear now?
A voice from within me wanted to say STOP!
But my tongue froze sealing my lips into a deafening silence
Not knowing what to do, I watched desperately
As if tuning-in to my feelings she cued me to follow her
And I felt pulled, as it was, by some unseen magnetic strings
I followed her – captivated in a hypnotic trance
She did not bother to look back even once
From her gait it was obvious though that she knew exactly
what was going on
She seemed so aware yet indifferent
Simple but enigmatic, childlike yet blossomed
We were now outside the monastery
In the midst of wild shrubs and dense undergrowth
She climbed on top of a small nearby hillock
And sat down gazing at the monastery
On her beckoning I sat down next to her
She did not look at me nor acknowledge my close proximity
And continued timelessly peering at the structure
However my whole attention was focused on her
She must be about nine years old I surmised
Her flowing hair were glowing, displaying an unusual luster
Her soft and gentle skin was bubbling with an irresistible innocence
My entire being was melting away
As if, inside me, candy cubes were transmuting into a flow of nectar
I was heady and intoxicated
but with a heightened awareness and perception
My heart was opening up
A gaping hole that was sacred with completeness
Generating emotions simply beyond description
Suddenly from the periphery of my vision I perceived a glow of light
Coming from the direction where this little girl was looking
As I turned to look I was amazed at what I saw
The monastery had taken on a shape
of an exquisite pyramidal structure
It was as if the outer facade of the monastery had been dislodged
Revealing the underlying vibrations
Emanating a gentle and healing luminescence
I could see intricate geometric patterns manifested in this structure
It was a nine-leveled configuration
My attention seemed to get drawn repeatedly to specific points
I noticed wands of light concentrating at these places in the formation
I had no idea what it was or what it was signifying
Just that it felt like a bundle of sheer delight
Tears started rolling down my cheeks –
a spontaneous response to the vision
My little friend then got up and started to walk back towards the monastery
I followed to the musical steps of this “Pied Piper”
She circled around the effulgent structure three times
It seemed a sacred ritual in which I was participating
I could experience her relaxed breathing in rhythm
with every step she took
She then climbed onto the first level of the pyramid
On reaching a specific spot she stopped all of a sudden
I could see a clear concentration of light energy at this place
She stepped aside and signaled me to come where she had been standing
As I moved forward something sensational happened
A stunning woman materialized right in front of my eyes
The fine translucent silky cloth draping her
Displayed the curvaceous contours of her body explicitly
Her skin had a bluish sky-like hue
She was adorning exotic jewelry on her body
And was seated on a stone slab covered with a velvet cloth
Flower petals sprinkled all around her exuded a tantalizing fragrance
Her alluring and seductive smile aroused me
I wanted to be intimate with this goddess
Unexpectedly she wrapped her legs around me pulling me towards her
Part of me felt scared and unsettled by her lusty, ferocious demeanor
But felt reassured
as she stroked my hair gently with undivided devotion
Her eyes were pouring a fondness that nourished me
I was enveloped in her embrace
I felt loved
I shut my eyes
allowing my whole consciousness to experience this moment
Strangely, I felt as if I was getting detached from my body
Our bodies drifted away
leaving only ourselves in each other’s presence
My entire being then effortlessly entered into her
I was her
I panicked with fear and found myself back in my body
And then she drifted into me
Now she was me
This time I was not afraid and felt more secure
I now felt that all the heaviness gone with my body
I was buoyant and my spirit blithe
We were redefining intimacy as it were
And ironically flesh was nowhere in the picture!
Waves of joy were bursting all over
I could swear
that little fountains of luminous energy were emanating from us
This back and forth exchange between us
must have gone on for a long time
However, unlike the physical interactions I had had
There was no immediacy or tiredness
To the contrary I was getting fueled with life-giving energy
I then became aware of my little companion’s presence
She put her hand out motioning me to come with her
I thought aloud, No way! I just cannot leave this beautiful experience
Especially since the interaction was reaching a new ecstatic level
But my little friend was persistent
She smiled to see me in this state of quandary
I just did not know what to do
Should I leave this infinite bliss and go with her?
I sensed desperation from my love partner
She did not want me to leave
But something inside told me to just trust the little one
She is the one who brought me here and manifested this experience
She must know what is good for me
As I reached out for her hand
All my doubts disappeared
I was literally touched by her gentleness
I knew I was doing the right thing
However, a part of me felt guilty
I did not want to just desert my goddess lover like this
But as I moved forward I was astonished by what happened
I saw a part of me actually left behind with the goddess
While another part followed my little pal
Amazingly, my love partner did not even know
that a part of me had left!
I could see the glee all over her face of having me to herself
Fully knowing what was going on
My little guru now looked back flashing a mischievous smile
I now understood the universal nature of her love and care
Embodying complete surrender, I followed her like a little lamb
Mentally, I christened her Guddi or the little doll
She now led me to another locale on the same level
Here too there was a concentration of light energy as before
This time another lovely woman made an appearance
This one had a crimson hue much like the sun at dusk
She was dressed in an ornate cloth
whose color reminded me of turmeric
Yes she did appear spicy!
And the interaction did live up to its promise
A blend of love and passion made it powerfully potent
But this time too Guddi wanted me to move on
And without any apprehension I followed her lead
Leaving a part of me playing with this goddess as well
So this ritual continued…
One after another I must have had over two dozen such encounters
It was an eye opener for me
It was as if I had been given varied opportunities to explore myself
Every interaction giving me a new insight into my innermost feelings
When I found myself coming back to the place where we had started
I guessed that we must have been traveling around in a circle
This must be getting over I thought
Little did I know how wrong I was!
Then all of a sudden Guddi disappeared
I felt helpless but was relieved to find her
at the next level of this structure
As I looked around I could not see any stairway to climb up!
How did she reach the second level?
I looked for help but none seemed to be forthcoming from her
She was smiling and looked almost pleased to see me helpless
There was simply no way for me to get there
I was stuck “down under”
To amuse myself I went around to see my selves
Enjoying themselves with the goddesses
It was as if this part of me was completely invisible to them
Even though I tried I was unable to communicate with them
I then closed my eyes to feel my diverse realities
All of a sudden
I found myself completely connected with each one of me
I was spinning with extraordinary speed in a circle
Linking all my different selves
It was as if I was churning the wheel of creation
And creating a new me
And so it was!
The very next moment I sensed getting sucked up
And found myself on the second level of this structure
alongside my Guddi
At last I had found the staircase and it was within me!
I knew that there was a new exploration in store for me
However this time Guddi did not want to be my tour guide
She just sat at one place and gestured
Inviting me to discover on my own
I was apprehensive, as I did not know whether
The goddesses will make an appearance
And even if they did
I was not sure if I would even remember to continue
I may actually get trapped with one of them!
Nevertheless I went ahead
The first goddess did materialize as anticipated
However she was very different
Consistent with her temperament
she exhibited a color that was mellow
She seemed full of care and seemed more complete in herself
I felt a mature love blossoming from our interplay
It was far more fulfilling than all the earlier interactions
And when it seemed I had reached a plateau
She herself signaled me to proceed on, which I found very moving
And this time I did not leave a part of me behind either with her
As I continued on this second level
I felt a fullness manifesting inside me
I knew then that here I was getting to see
A landscape of myself from a higher point of view
It was so nice!
And when I reached back to be with my little Guddi
I found her waiting for me
Ready to scale to the next level
This time I had to merely think
And the next instant I was at the third level
At this level the stops were fewer
But the love deeper and the life force freer
Each goddess actually escorted me to the subsequent one
It took me no time to realize
that the atmosphere was more harmonious
The goddesses were participating in each other’s happiness
I realized that
I was getting an experiential tutelage of my joyous inner love
A love that was emancipating and not possessive
Next it was the fourth level and subsequently the fifth
At the fifth level the mood was sublime and artistic
Every interaction was poetry in motion
Then a thought flashed in my mind
I desired to be hear divine chanting
No sooner had this desire manifested,
my wish was fulfilled that very instant
I heard a sonorous, reverberating hum resonating in the atmosphere
As I looked I saw hundreds of Buddhist monks
Sitting in a tri-ring formation around the pyramidal structure
With their eyes closed they seemed to be anchored in themselves
Each one chanting in an effortless murmur
But the chorus produced an effect that was majestically powerful
It heightened the thrill and made the encounters further mystical
The seventh level turned out to be very different
Instead of individual encounters there were group ones
Coexistence of fun, sharing and caring was so unusual yet blissful
It was one large family and each one was actively participating
Bringing a cohesive unified bond of oneness
Differentiation from others dissolved
revealing a serene peaceful equanimity
The eighth level was triangular shaped
The three corners were clearly the focal points
As I approached the first corner
I suddenly realized that Guddi was not around
Doing her disappearing act again!
I looked but could not see her anywhere at all
I decided to go ahead in my own explorations
And when I reached the first corner something strange happened
All of a sudden I saw that all the seven levels below disappeared
Leaving the eighth and ninth level hanging in mid air
I felt ethereal, elevated into the cosmic realm
The vibrations could only be felt and not heard or seen
On my reaching the first corner,
surprisingly,
no goddess made an appearance
I looked around but there was nobody except me
I was clueless and my little guide was still not available
to unravel this puzzle
I walked to the second and third corners
And here too there was no materialization of any kind
I felt lost and lonely
I closed my eyes and started thinking of my little friend
I then felt a warm oozing feeling emanating from my heart
On opening my eyes I saw a stunning vision
A beautiful rainbow was radiating from my heart
I saw myself walking on this rainbow
This cotton-like motley of colors was delicately enfolding my feet
With each of my step the rainbow moved further
When I finally reached the second corner of the triangle
I found myself dissolving and transforming into little Guddi!
Now a rainbow appeared from Guddi’s heart
She then walked on this rainbow towards the third corner
This time she melted and changed into me!
And then the triangle was completed by me
traveling back to the first corner
It was an astounding spectacle
It was as if She and I were one transforming into each other at will!
She was me, inside out
And I was her, outside in
I had experienced reality Without Her then With Her
And now found it to all be With-In!
As soon as this realization dawned
I found myself at the ninth level – the center of the triangle
There was no structure any longer
No Guddi, No sound
No earth, No sky
No wind, No water
It was just glorious and resplendent me, nothing else
Solitary but wholly complete
All alone yet all in all
Riding the tides of blissful beauty
I had reached my final destination of infinite oneness
What Started as a Meditative Journey of Just Being Myself
Had Metamorphosed Into a Realization of Being Just Myself!
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